


so what you're saying about Tevinter...

by Claudia_bm



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cullen is a besotted idiot in all of the thing i write i don't know why, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 14:59:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6289099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claudia_bm/pseuds/Claudia_bm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were many reasons one could use for a breakup, most of which Dorian couldn’t bring himself to say</p>
            </blockquote>





	so what you're saying about Tevinter...

**Author's Note:**

> this is a prompt from an anon on tumblr that goes 'Dorian breaks up with Cullen, telling him he doesn't love him anymore'. And then everyone was yelling at me and the anon for being mean so we came up with the second part as well.
> 
> I didn't mean to publish it on ao3 but anyway

There were many reasons one could use for a breakup

Most of which Dorian couldn’t bring himself to say

“It’s not you it’s me” was just ridiculous, even when it was true. It really wasn’t Cullen, or something the man had done, far from it. It was just… Dorian. But Dorian still wouldn’t (couldn’t) use that excuse, because Cullen would demand explanations upon hearing it, explanations that Dorian just didn’t have.

“This wasn’t working” could maybe work, except that Dorian, again, couldn’t think of a single reason why it wasn’t working to back that up. It was working, all too well. Up to this point, he had never been so happy in his life, and wasn’t that just pathetic. Dorian wanted to see Cullen all the time, to hear his voice, to watch him work, to help him with his reports and to tease him about them. And Dorian could spend hours, days, doing just that. Be with Cullen. No, this wouldn’t fly. Not with someone so perceptive.

“It’s you” was too cruel. Cullen had done nothing wrong. Dorian didn’t remember what he had expected when he left Tevinter for the Inquisition but he sure didn’t expect this. Love. A relationship. And the Commander of the Inquisition at the centre of both. Dorian couldn’t say exactly why Cullen was so special, why his every touch lit Dorian on fire and every kiss brought him never before known bliss. But he was. He was and Dorian was going to give him, give it all up.

Under normal circumstances maybe Dorian would be able to spit out a lie, then avoid Cullen until the… infatuation subsided. He had done this all too often in the past, back home, cutting ties when he grew bored, or when he started to feel things (his emotions, mostly) heading toward dangerous territories. But this was no longer normal circumstances, Dorian didn’t just have an infatuation, and Cullen deserved so much more than that.

Maybe Dorian could…

When the day came, he marched to Cullen’s office, fire roaring in his ears and pain twisting in his heart. He had to do this. Dorian took a deep breath. Agony flared up but he paid that no mind, he was all too used to it by this point. I can do this, it’s not too late yet.

Dorian knocked. (He didn’t usually knock, or knock at all, Dorian dimly realised)

“Come in.” Cullen’s voice greeted.

Dorian didn’t miss the expression flickered on Cullen’s face when he walked in. One eyebrow rose up in surprise (Dorian, knocking??), then his face softened and he relaxed. Of course he would. It was Dorian, after all, and Cullen loved him.

Not too late, Dorian reminded himself, not the least bit convinced. Oh, I have to break his heart. Dorian watched as confusion settled on Cullen’s face, then replaced by fear. A vulnerable, naked fear at Dorian’s words. “No.” Cullen whispered, long after Dorian had finished talking, and if Dorian’s heart hadn’t broken into a million pieces already that word alone would have done it. Cullen righted himself, eyes wide and fearful.

“Dorian… please… Let’s talk about this. Let’s… let’s fix it together.” He offered meekly. His voice sounded… It didn’t sound like him. It sounded wrecked, shaky, the normal authority and confidence had all but gone. If possible, Dorian hated himself even more. Cullen had come closer, but not close enough. Dorian was grateful for the thoughtful gesture, for one touch from Cullen would surely shatter Dorian and turn every lie he had to say to dust. Cullen swallowed before continuing. “Whatever it was… you don’t have to bear it alone, not anymore.”

Oh wasn’t Dorian tempted to just fall into the man’s embrace and tell him everything, the truth. But that wouldn’t… wouldn’t help anything or lead anywhere. Dorian took a step backward, putting more of a distance between them. He didn’t dare look away, afraid that Cullen could see through the lies. Dorian saw the lost, crestfallen look on Cullen’s face when he moved away from the man. “Ah. This is where you’re wrong, Commander.” No more Cullen, no more amatus. “You see.” I have to do this. I have to do this. “Nothing needed fixing.” I need to do this. “I just don’t love you anymore.”

Pain lanced through Dorian, forcing the air out of his lungs. He felt like his knees were going to buckle at the sheer agony. He had figured that this would be... effective enough that Cullen wouldn’t ask questions. And Dorian had practiced saying it, of course. Had to pull a convincing act, after all. And Dorian was many thing but he was not a liar. He couldn’t even force the words out the first few dozens tries. Then whenever he managed to say them he wanted to be sick. He was disgusting, having dared to say such a lie to the person he claimed he loved most. Disgusting, his father’s voice resonated in his head. Disgusting, the way his mother looked at him appeared before his eyes.

Cullen had crumpled up the report in his hand without even noticing. He was staring at Dorian as if he had grown another head. He looked like he was frozen on the spot. Dorian felt like he couldn’t take any more of this pain. His instinct screamed at him to run, run now, ignorant to the fact that Dorian was the source of the pain and no matter where he ran to he could never escape. He deserved it. Cullen’s grip loosened and the report fell to the ground, bounced away. He took a step back too, swaying on his feet a little because of how badly his whole body shook. Dorian stamped down the urge to rush to Cullen, take the man into his arms to tell him things will be okay. Lies. More lies. “I see.” Cullen said. His face was blank, void of any emotion. He had looked away from Dorian, head hung low. He looked dejected. Then he turned away, his back to Dorian. “In that case.” Cullen said, and his voice sounded almost normal. “Please leave me. I have work to see to.”

Something inside Dorian went ‘no’ and ‘yes’ at the same time. This is what you want, isn’t it? See how easy it is? But he had also hoped… he had also hoped that Cullen would press for more reasons, reasons that Dorian didn’t have, would see through Dorian’s facade and convince him to stay. But he knew… knew that even if Cullen had been more persistent Dorian wouldn’t have relented. And what good will that do anyone? But if he loved me why wouldn’t he beg me to stay? Why wouldn’t he be a little more persistent? Because he loves you enough to not do that. Because he was Cullen. Because he would forever put other’s need above his own.

Cullen was staring down at a parchment on his desk. Dorian knew he wasn’t reading it, and likely would not be reading anything for the rest of the day. Time to go, Dorian mournfully thought. Every cell in his body told him to stay, but he turned and walked out of Cullen’s office, closed the door as he left. As he walked away, Dorian thought he imagined the sound of wood colliding with wall, heavy books hitting the ground and paper rustling in the air, but he knew better.

His eyes burned, but tears would have to wait until he reached his quarter

~~~

The infirmary was uncharacteristically quiet when Dorian came in. The place, always buzzing with activities normally, even late into the night, lied eerily still in silence.

Dorian was expecting this.

He followed the now familiar hallway to the room at the back where he knew Cullen would be, just like he had been for the last month. The rooms that he passed by on the way were empty. People had left in such a rush, leaving the beds unkempt and stuff lying in places where they normally wouldn’t be. Dorian chuckled to himself at the disarray, chaotic state of the place. The infirmary was usually one of the tidiest place in Skyhold.

The door of Cullen’s room creaked when Dorian pushed it open, and he made a mental note to mention this to the head healer. Even if the noise didn’t bother Cullen, it still could disturbed other patients. He was distracted from his thought when the elf in the room jerked up at the sound. Dorian didn’t think that there was anyone left inside the infirmary. The girl looked alarm at first, then visibly relaxed when she realised it was Dorian. She had short black hair, scrawny long legs and an almost-always confused expression on her face. “Master Pavus.” She exclaimed.

Dorian scowled at that good-naturedly. “For the last time Marian, it’s just Dorian.” Marian giggled, a little nervous. “Yes, Dorian.” Honestly, Dorian didn’t really mind what she called him. But the girl was a newly-freed slave, still learning to leave her past behind. She said that she could hardly believe that she could treat Dorian as an equal sometimes, and so every once in a while she would need some reassurance. Dorian was more than happy to help.

“There we go. Now, why aren’t you outside celebrating like the others?”

“Oh.” She said, looking down to her hands on her lap then glanced quickly to her side at Cullen. “I just thought someone should keep an eye on the Commander, that’s all.”

Dorian chuckled. The girl was somewhat enamoured with the Commander, a hardly surprise fact, considering Cullen himself had saved her from the slaver. She had developed a rather obvious hero-worship case, and was very diligent in her work of taking care of Cullen these past weeks. Dorian appreciated very much what she had done. He imagined Cullen would be too.

“I’ll take over from here, Marian.” Dorian put his hand on Marian’s shoulder. He wasn’t used to physical contact as a mean of reassurance, but since coming here, he had picked it up from the people around him. It was hard not to, with everyone being so touchy all the time. The Inquisitor, Bull, Sera, Cullen. The list went on. “Go have some fun. You deserve it.”

Marian nodded. “Okay Dorian.” She said and stood up. She had such light footsteps, Dorian thought as he listened to her walking down the corridor until she turned the corner and the silence returned, even though the distant sound of celebrating could still be heard. Only then did he make to get closer to the only other person in the room, who was lying motionlessly on the sole bed.

The scenario looked exactly like it always looked every time Dorian came into the room. Cullen was dressed in a loose and clean tunic with the blanket pulled to his chest. There was no crease, no wrinkle on fabric that proved even the slightest movement. Almost as a habit, Dorian’s eyes immediately moved to the man’s chest, body rigid before relaxing again at the rhythmic rise and fall that signalled life hadn’t left Cullen yet.

The past month had been like this.

Something had happened outside the Temple of Myrthal. The soldiers presented said they saw the Commander hit by a spell and fell unconscious. Unfortunately, they were normal soldiers, recruited from Haven and other places. None of them were ex-Templars nor did they have any knowledge about magic. They didn’t know what the spell was and weren’t able to identify the feel of the magic. There was no way to trace that from Cullen when he was still alive. He just hadn’t awaken since.

After rounds and rounds of careful examination for injury both outside and inside, and various check-up afterwards, the healers had come to the conclusion that the Commander was... fine. Everything checked out, except for the fact that he showed no sign of waking up. After the first week, it was then decided that the Commander be moved to a private quarter so he would be better monitored by the healers, but also away from prying eyes. They hadn’t been able to do more than that. With Corypheus up their arses and the Venatori hot on their heels, no one had yet had time to look into this. Rylen was dragged back from the Western Approach to help Cassandra commanding the soldiers, and the Inquisition marched on.

But now, Corypheus was finally defeated.

Dorian sighed and sat down on the bed.

He had not been coming here as often as he would like to. He had had tons of research he needed to do for the Inquisition, and then of his own into what kind of magic could have possibly caused this. Perhaps the time apart had made it easy for him to notice the change in Cullen’s appearance. His cheeks had sunken in quite a bit, an obvious sign that the man had lost weight. His hair and beard had gotten longer, although Marian tried to shave him at least twice a week. Cullen’s skin was pale and ashen in the light of the candles, the last trace of the healthy radiant glow had all but vanished.

“Oh Cullen.” Dorian couldn’t hold in a sigh.

The first couple of times he’d been here, Dorian had sit quietly on a chair placed next to the bed, just watching Cullen and looking for any sign of him gaining consciousness to no avail. Dorian had thought that people talking to unconscious patients was a waste of time. But the time spent in this infirmary had made him realise, talking to Cullen, even though the man couldn’t hear him, was more to his benefit. It helped keeping hope alive in his heart. “Hey.” Dorian murmured softly. “We won.”

He placed his hand on where he knew Cullen’s would be under the blanket.

“I wanted to be the first one to tell you, but seems like Marian had already beaten me to that.” Dorian hated being sentimental. He hated showing emotion, especially when he was sad. But over these few weeks, Dorian had grown too exhausted to care. And the bottled feelings had grown heavy in his chest, threatening to choke him. He wanted, no, needed to let them out. It wasn’t like Cullen would judge him.

It was awkward at first, the talking. Cullen lied so still it made Dorian sad and paranoid. He felt like Cullen could slip through his fingers at any moment. He just seemed so fragile! Dorian would often stop himself to check if Cullen was still breathing, if his heart was still beating. He hadn’t even been bothered to stamp down on the stubborn little part of his brain that still insisted Cullen was his. His forever, his maybe, his almost. Strangely, that also helped.

“You know.” Dorian drew circles on the blanket. “The things I have been telling you... I have never expected to tell anyone, especially, well, you. I thought you would never know about them, never hear about them ever.” The corner of Dorian’s lips twitched up in a self-deprecating smile. “But I guess you still won’t know about them.”

Things. Things like how much Dorian had missed Cullen since that day. Like how Dorian couldn’t bear to go to the north battlement like he used to, even though it was one of his favourite parts of Skyhold. Like how he purposely put his yellow mug, the hideous one that Cullen liked, at the edge of his desk where it would be hidden from view by a pile of books. Like how thankful Dorian was that he was always exhausted by the time he rolled into bed, worn by books and battles, because sleepless nights would be spent staring at the dark ceilings and letting his brain torture itself by bringing up images after images of Cullen. Stupid Dorian. He had thought to himself. Shouldn’t have made memories with him. Now everything reminded me of him, but he was so far away.

“You need to stop being lazy and open your eyes, Commander.” Dorian sighed. “It does get rather boring talking to myself all the time. It makes me miss your bickering.” The candles flickered and shadows moved on the walls. Dorian stood up. “Marian must have opened the windows earlier to let fresh air in.” Dorian said aloud. “When you wake up, I hope something will tell you how dedicated she had been in taking care of you.” He shut the shutters and turned the latch. “Maybe we should play a game of chess then as well. I’ve missed your sore loser face.”

It wasn’t like Dorian had been avoiding the man before he fell into a coma. No, they were still talking, and on friendly term at that. Dorian just found himself unable to be in the man’s presence for too long. The guilt niggling in the back of his head kept telling him to go away so Cullen could move on. And then he developed an urge to spew out the truth everytime he looked into the man’s earnest eyes.

“Oh that...” Dorian winced. “I’ve actually been thinking about telling you the truth. Not that I would ever do it though.” He turned around and leaned his back against the glass. The cold seeped through his clothes but Dorian found it refreshing. “I’ve made up a thousand scenarios where I come running to you, pleading for you to take me back, apologising for everything. I’ve hurt you, lied to you. And I would do anything, anything if you would forgive me.” Dorian looked down, defeat written all over him. “Even though I know you won’t.” He had trained himself out of the habit to run his hand through his hair a long time ago, yet now he wanted to do just that so badly that he balled his hands into fists at his side on the windowsill. “But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to fall into your arms and whisper your name against your skin again. Believe it or not, I really...” Dorian chuckled. “Really miss your hug. Miss the way you held me as if I was something precious.” He unconsciously touched his left shoulder with his right hand and raised his leg, curled in on himself. “Even if most of the time I was crushed again that stupid breastplate.”

It felt good to be able to say these things out loud, even if they were just manifestation of wistful thoughts about things he could never had again. Dorian couldn’t tell Cullen had the man been awake. Wouldn’t. His love wouldn’t do anyone good.

Dorian realised he had said that last part out loud without meaning to. He huffed. “You’ve turned me mushy and you’re not even awake. Well done, Commander.” He looked at Cullen’s face, wishing to see a smile, a frown, anything. Dorian wondered if he should go. He could call Marian in to take over. He was tired from the battle. Sleep would be needed now if he wanted to resume looking into the magic that was affecting Cullen first thing in the morning.

Dorian made to leave, but stopped short when he walked past the bed. He turned to Cullen again. “You will make it.” He said, reaching out to brush a long blond curl away from the man’s forehead. “I’ll find a way, amatus.” Dorian leaned down to brush his lips against the warm skin on Cullen’s cheek. “I’ll find a way.”

The next morning, when Dorian was still deep in slumber, oblivious to all things around him, Cullen opened his eyes.

~

In the end, it was Cullen who came for Dorian.

The man greeted Dorian with a smile that made his heart do embarrassing thing in his chest. “May I come in?” He asked, and it was all Dorian could do to nod. Cullen wheeled himself in and Dorian closed the door behind the man.

“I see you’ve cleaned up a little.” Cullen smiled at the distinct lack of books on the floor and on Dorian’s desk. Dorian swallowed and felt his traitorous heart quickened at the familiarity in Cullen’s voice. He waved dismissively, lost for words. Cullen didn’t seem to notice the state Dorian was in, too busy looking around. Dorian sat down so he would be eye level with Cullen. The time spent in the infirmary had made him quite sick of looking down at the man.

Cullen looked a lot better now, Dorian noted with no small amount of satisfaction. His skin looked healthier and his cheeks had started to fill up again. His hair was still long but it was brushed and tidy, no longer the wild mess it had been. Dorian felt fondness welled up and had to clear his throat. “How’s practice?” He asked. Cullen turned around and his eyes lit up.

“Good! I can walk the whole length of the bar twice before I got exhausted now.” He looked like an excited kid. “The healers all said I was making a remarkably quick recovery.” It had constantly been one battle after another for Cullen since he woke up. His body needed to learn to function properly again after more than a month of disuse. Dorian had been there through them all, when Cullen needed to learn to digest solid food, to form words, to sit up, to walk again. “You didn’t come today.” Cullen said. “I was wondering, but I see why now.”

“Aw, was that why you come? To check on me?” Dorian said. “Don’t worry, Commander. The dust bunnies were strong, but I won this round.” Cullen chuckled. He looked oddly nervous. Dorian’s eyebrow rose when he man started rubbing the back of his neck.

“Is there something...” Dorian began at the same time Cullen blurted out. “I heard you, that night.”

Blood drained from Dorian’s face. He didn’t know which night Cullen was talking about, but he didn’t have to. Any night, any at all, would contain words he never actually meant for Cullen to hear. He had made up his mind about staying friends with the Commander, relieved that the he didn’t chase him away. Dorian suddenly remembered Cullen telling the healers that he gained consciousness hours before he actually woke up. Dorian hadn’t considered the fact that he had been conscious when Dorian came to him. He had been too happy about the fact the Commander was opening his eyes and talking to care about anything else.

Cullen put his hand on top of the one Dorian was placing on the armrest. He had wheeled himself close to Dorian without the mage noticing. When had Cullen become so sneaky? Dorian wanted to take his hand back and run away, but when he looked into Cullen’s amber eyes, filled with emotions but without a hint of judgement, he found himself rooted to where he was.

Cullen relaxed a little once Dorian stopped looking like he was going to bolt at any moment. He bit his lips shyly. “I... uh... apologise. I had thought about how I was going to breech the subject, but you know me. I get... nervous.” He started rubbing his neck again, face a little pink. Dorian found himself melt at that, to the surprise of no one including himself.

“So you were... conscious at the time?”

“I was. Since before Marian was even there, actually.” Cullen said and Dorian felt faint again. “It was very hard to describe. I became aware at first, like how people are when they’re dreaming, only I wasn’t dreaming. Then it took hours for my senses to come back. When you came, I could hear and I could feel, but I couldn’t control any part of my body.”

Cullen suddenly looked like he was in pain. Dorian was going to jump up to go call the healers purely on reflex, but Cullen adamantly held onto his hand. He was close enough now that Dorian couldn’t stand up without bumping into him. His other hand joined the one holding Dorian’s, and Dorian felt suffocated at the warmth as if the hands were winding around his neck. “Dorian.” Cullen said and he sounded choked up. His voice was barely above a whisper “Dorian, was it true? What you said... was it... do you still love me?”

Lie to him. Lie to him. The rational part of Dorian said. You had already done it once, you could do it again. Cullen’s face was a mixture of hope and fear. It would be so easy now to crush that hope. End this now, before it gets too far.

But it had already gotten too far.

Dorian hesitated. Should he tell the truth? There was no concrete proof that Cullen would forgive him if he did. And he had been lying for so long that he actually felt like he would be wasting his effort to push Cullen away if he told the truth. The fact that he didn’t actually want to push Cullen away didn’t matter. And the pain he had made Cullen carried since. Even if Cullen forgave him, he wouldn’t deserve that forgiveness.

But then Dorian’s thoughts strayed to all the night alone, without Cullen, missing him with every fibre of his being, and all the day spent worrying he would never wake up, afraid that the last things Dorian ever told him would be lies. Dorian closed his eyes. Cullen deserved to know the truth. Dorian owned him that much. And the truth was

“I never stop loving you.”

But once he started, Dorian found himself unable to stop.

“There hasn’t been a day since that I don’t regret telling you _that_. It caused you... so much pain. And I couldn’t let myself comfort you, not when I inflicted it upon you, so I felt useless, unworthy. I guess I kept running around in a stupid loop.” It was surprisingly easy to say this out loud but then Dorian guessed he had had ‘practice.’

“I thought about the future, and I couldn’t see one for you and me. I’ll be back to Tevinter. It’s not a question. It’s too dangerous. There will be plots to assassinate me, if what I plan to do becomes a reality. And I know I will not let anything happen to you, so it’s possible that I will let something happen to myself instead. I can’t afford that distraction.” He didn’t even understand what he just said, too emotional and anxious, but he hoped he had conveyed the idea to Cullen. “Even if it was not so, you wouldn’t want to live in a city full of mages and slaves. It will drive your little Southern mind crazy.” Not to mention the other dragon in the room, but Dorian chose to not say it out loud. They both knew what he actually meant. “So I thought I should end this... us... but you’re too stubborn. If I had told you the truth you would have never agreed to it.”

Dorian had not glanced at Cullen once since he started speaking. He remembered his father telling him he had a weak will, and wondered if the old man had spoken true after all. He had sworn he would never live a lie, and yet. His fists clenched involuntarily. “I was selfish, I know. If it’s worth anything now...” He swallowed. “I’m sorry.”

Dorian didn’t expect forgiveness. On the contrary, he expected that Cullen would actually want to get away from him now that he knew the truth. Dorian could live with this, he was used to being a disappointment. At least now he wouldn’t be tormented by the lie.

Cullen started laughing.

Dorian stared at him in disbelief. Cullen had nearly doubled over in laughter, tears gathered at the corners of his eyes. Dorian was so stunned that he wasn’t even mad at Cullen for laughing at him (in his face!!). “What’s so funny?” He heard himself said.

Cullen shook his head, trying to stop. A couple of giggles still got out. It was the cutest sound Dorian had ever heard. “Dorian.” Cullen said, still chuckling. “Dorian, for you I would go anywhere.”

But Dorian knew this. It was why he tried to break up with Cullen in the first place. He frowned at Cullen, who was looking at him expectantly.

But of course.

What Cullen was trying to say, was not just that he was ready to go anywhere with Dorian. He would, but for Dorian, because in his eyes Dorian was worth everything. Dorian was worth going to a foreign country full of scary mages and magisters who ate children for breakfast. It was touching, but the fact that he trusted Dorian enough to even entertain the thought of going there was enough.

Dorian smiled.

“You foolish man.” He said. “What if you had misplayed your faith?”

“I haven’t.” Cullen said simply. He was pushing up to reach for Dorian. His arms shook a little under the pressure. Dorian pressed him back down, climbed on the wheelchair after him. Cullen laughed, his arms immediately went around Dorian’s waist. “Last chance to back away.” Dorian said when their lips were only a breath apart, even though he knew they were both fighting a losing battle.

Cullen just smiled and kissed him.


End file.
